Do I really want children? Or am I just trying to convince myself that I should have them?

So this is a topic I’ve been discussing with quite a lot of people recently. Now I’ve hit the age of 23 and I’m constantly on social media, I’m seeing engagements everywhere and people getting knocked up. I constantly ask myself, is that really what I want or am I just feeling the need to say I want to have children because that’s the “norm” nowadays.
Whenever I see a little baby or toddler – my immediate thought is “aww aren’t they lovely!?” However, straight after I’m like yeah they’re lovely but no thanks. It’s not like I dislike children, I love children – so innocent, free minded and clueless about the daily stressors as an adult. I enjoy spending time with children and doing all the nice bits. But when I see them screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of Tesco because they want a toy. Na, you’re alright.

Whenever I talk about this with the older generation, they get extremely confused as to why I wasn’t 100% sure I want children. They immediately start to look at me funny and ask me questions such as “But why not? Why wouldn’t you want to see your child grow up?” blah blah blah.

Quite frankly, I don’t know why I don’t particularly have an interest in wanting to have children. I’ve never ever had that maternal instinct with any of my ex boyfriends to want to raise a child with them. Never. I know I’m only 23 and have such a long time to have children but I unfortunately suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short). This can massive affect your fertility level and I could potentially never have children even if I wanted too. This worries me and raises anxiety about the situation. What if I change my mind in 10 years but it’s too late? I guess also through my mental health issues swell I have a very high chance of developing post-natal depression. Something I am absolutely terrified of. Growing up in a hostile, non-loving environment may have an impact too? I saw my parents argue constantly and I’m terrified of my children going through what I went through as a child.

Heck, I’ve found it. Those reasons above are probably the reasons why I wouldn’t want to bring another human in this world. I know I would try 10000% if I did have a child. But I never want someone I have bought into this world to go through the same experiences that I did. I never want another human to feel the way I felt for years. Isolated. Trapped. Alone. I can admit I’m terrified of the future and what it holds. It’s so out of my control and being a control freak this is a bit of an issue for me.

I’m not completely ruling out the idea of never having children. But at this current time, it’s a big no from me.

Love and sparkles always,
Tasha ♥

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