I’m writing this from my bed, on a Friday night and listening to Little Mix. Usually, I would be partying out with my girls or having a takeaway. Unfortunately, I have work tomorrow at 7am so a night in is just what the doctors ordered.
I’ve had a gloomy few days and my moods been quite low and I’ve done a lot of overthinking. One thing I’ve been thinking about recently is how I’ve dealt with death over the years.
I have some very fortunate friends to still have all grandparents, family members etc. Oh how I’m envious. I would love a peppermint and cigarette smelling cuddle from my nana once more! Anyway, I lost very important family members from a young age. I was only 12 when I lost my beautiful nana to a bowel obstruction. She was my world. She had a smile what could light up the stars. When I lost her, my world collapsed. I didn’t even know how to make myself dinner, let alone deal with an important family loss at a very young age. It took me a long time to come to terms I wasn’t going to see my nan again. It ruined my mum, auntie and uncle. We were broken. But we survived, pulled together and remember the positive sides rather than the sad times. 3 years later however, I lost my Grandad to very aggressive cancer. Overtime, I saw my Grandad loose his hair, smile and all his energy. He couldn’t look after himself and looked incredibly poorly. I remember going into denial while this was happening – I refused to watch my Grandad slowly die in front of my own eyes when I had only lost my nan a few years ago. The sadness slowly passed and our lives moved on again.
I thought nothing else could happen within the next 5 years to try and break my family apart again.
But I was very wrong..
My beautiful Auntie passed away shortly after, again with very aggressive cancer.
This was the worst. She was young, fit and healthy. Never drank, never smoked and never eat badly in her life. Her Cancer was hereditary and was the reason for her own mothers death when she was just 3 years old.
Death is a natural part of life. But it’s so painful, so fucking painful. It’s like all your bones breaking at once. It’s that burning feeling in your chest and that feeling in your stomach right before you vomit. It’s the worst feeling in the entire world. And there’s nothing you can do to make it better in that time. You spend endless nights crying. Screaming. Why them? Why this? Why not me? Again, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You’d give anything just to hold them, kiss them, tell them you love them once more. It’s excruciating pain. Something I can’t physically put into words.
But, death is inevitable. You’ll experience death in your life at least once. It could be a family member, a partner, a friend or a pet. And all will hurt in such different ways. Fortunately, I’ve never experiences death from a friend or a partner in my life. But I guess I can give some advice from my experiences over the 12 years.
Whenever you have someone or something pass away; surround yourself around loved ones
This is quite self explanatory but it’s very important. Spend time with people who will be there for you when you cry and when you need a boost. Your mum, sister, friend, lover, colleague. Anyone who’s going to help and support you during this hard time.
Believe it or not, crying is scientifically proven to make you feel better. It releases toxins from the body and provides a release. Do not bottle it up. Cry as long and as hard as you need too. Cry with someone. Cry on your own. Cry down the phone. Were all humans and we’ve all experienced these kind of emotions at least once in our life.
Keep a part of them close to you
I have a certain item kept from every single one of my family members. My nan had this stunning charm bracelet. I was so envious of it as a child! Myself, my sister and all my cousins all picked a charm and had it soldered onto a bracelet. We thought this was a nice gesture and a little part of nanny on our wrists. My auntie bought me a beautiful locket for my 15th birthday and I fell in love with it. I still wear it all the time and get so many lovely compliments from it.
You will learn how to laugh and smile over the memories, rather than crying that you miss them
I always talk to my family about my Grandparents and there little quirks and things we use to do to them as children to annoy them. We smile and laugh and remember the good times. This may take a while to get too, but once you get there – it’s like a weight lifted off your shoulders. It’s a odd but happy feeling inside of you. Of course I have days where I feel sad that none of them got to see me Graduate and won’t see me marry but I know, wherever they are, they’ll be proud.
Life is oh so short and precious
I tell my mum every single day I love her, because I know one day that I won’t be able too anymore. Don’t hold grudges against people. Move on and forward. Tell that guy you love them. Tell your parents you mean the world to them. Hug your dog. Were only on this planet a very short time – some unfortunately shorter than others. Nevertheless, live every single day like it’s your last.
All my love,